How many screens do you own?

Whether you own a  52″ inch  flat-screen or an archaic tube TV, count how many screeens do you have at home?    I have five:  2 TV’s, 2 computers and a lap top.  Don’t forget the ones in your car or SUV.  Then get back with me with your response.

What kind of person would buy a Snuggie?

So I couldn’t sleep last night and while I tried to make a sensible decision to either raid the fridge or reach for the remote, I opted for the latter choice and saw this commercial about “The Snuggie”.  What kind of person would buy this crap?  Seriously, if this product is being sewn in China or (insert country name here) what in the world do they really think of Americans?  Honestly, can you REALY see yourself in a Snuggie during your child’s sporting event?!    This product should be banned because it will lead to a Hate Crime!  Enjoy the parody.

No one is immune

     You know times are hard when the White House Turkey will not be pardoned.  Apparently, with the economic downturn, your house is not alone with the challenges of high cost of groceries.  The White House as well and its current residents, staffs and its entire member are all feeling the pinch.  Thus, the Thanksgiving turkey will not roam free this year as it will be dressed and glazed and accessories with fruits and vegetable trimmings (with the exception of Gucci handbags and Burberry scarf.)  And the thanksgiving turkey will be laid out on all its glory on the White House’s Italian marble table.   To spare the turkey is unfathomable.   There are starving lobbyist and politicians to feed.

     Desperate times calls for desperate measures.   The Watutsi Tribesmen from the Capital One commercial will bless the wielding of the ax so as to symbolize a sacrificial ceremony to end amid our world economic crises.  The celebrity tribesmen’s and their ferocious barbaric band of brothers are being laid off.  They too are affected by the credit card crisis.  Also on the chopping block, Tiger Woods and Kate Walsh from TV series “Private Practice”.  Kate Walsh will now advertise for Yugo instead of that sleek red Cadillac that she happily wedge her stiletto onto the pedal and Tiger Woods will not endorsed any Buick vehicles and may sell his personal air bus in order to keep his million dollar yacht.  All because the car companies are tanking. 

     Currently, all overly paid CEO’s are taking inventory from their fat pockets.  They too are trying to make a conscious effort to cut down on the cheddar.  Instead of lavishingly endow their mistresses furs.  The CEO’s will now resolve to faux furs. As a result, animal activist will be extra happy to not carry extra spray paint cans wherever they go.   The CEOs have proposed a plan to end the disastrous Real Estate market by recommending a start up company for their mistresses.  The CEO’s will provide a house for the ladies in any vacant foreclosed home of her choosing.  It is a waste to keep those houses vacant and vacant home are considered high risk in the insurance business.    I’ve no doubt a bordello franchise will turn the housing economy around.  Look for it on the stock market ticker (xxxBORD).   I do not condone this but as a lone citizen, I do not have the power to stop their immoral wills.  They see this as a win-win situation.

     In conclusion, you are not alone my friend.   You and I were born with a magnanimous heart, we will give this Thanks’giving’.  We will not go out kicking and screaming and give to the gift that keeps on giving:  our National Debt.  We will dig our nails onto the ground and work.  So that obscenely rich families will not have to go through the walk of shame and they can keep the pretentious lifestyle while they sleep well on their 2000 thread count Egyptian cotton and pipe stitched pajamas while so many of us struggle to keep our houses warm and send our hungry kids to school.

To offshore drill or not offshore drill that is the question

     During the election of 2008, I heard the Republican Party in a frenzy screaming “Drill Baby Drill!!!.”  This was the mantra that echoed in Sarah Palin’s VP’s speech and her and the Republican party’s words left me broken.

     I am oppose to off-shore drilling for simple reasons:

1.     Off-shore drilling will not significantly affect me financially. 

2.     The environmental risk by far out weighs the benefits the State would receive.

3.     Off shore drilling will only postpone the inevitable solution, which is alternative energy.

As I raise my concern, offshore drilling in the Virginia coast is moving forward with the push of the current Bush Administration.  I can’t say democrat Tim Kaine had no role on this issue he supported the bill back in 2006.  Currently, 50 miles offshore in Virginia is being considered for offshore oil and natural gas exploration. In North Carolina ocean waters, they are pushing for 100 miles offshore but Virginia will set the standard.    

     In closing, I want to say that I love the ocean.  I love the gifts the ocean bestows to families, my friends and me.  When the day comes that my husband and children cannot surf or swim or I can’t jog on the beach because of environmental issues caused by offshore drilling, yes I will be angry.  The vision of black slick oil accompanied by lifeless sea creature washing on shore isn’t appealing at all to me.  I have strong reservations with regards to nature.  Remember oil is a global commodity the price is set according the entire world demands.  Don’t be fooled.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Confessions of an over caffeinated voter

This morning I had the jitters already and I haven’t had my high-octane coffee yet courtesy of Starbucks.  Between my counter arbitration to my non-believer acquaintances and casting my ballot, I’m definitely blacklisted into any flake-republican sponsored dinner party.  Oh well, they never liked the wine I bring in a sippy carton box anyways.  What a bunch of snobs!  Not to mention the “gizzard” dish I brought in on culture night.  The invitation said “authentic dish from a country of your choice” like the ring leader slaved over  “Coq Au Win” French version of the American drunk-chicken I thought my dish was by far scores high on authenticity but no one liked it. 

    So today I voted “Yeahbama”  as oppose to “Nobama” (I know I’m still going against the grain) I had the urge to raise my fist in the sky and do the “ocho-ocho” dance I once saw on cable – not sure either Wowwoweee or Gigante Sabado channel then I remembered I’m a member of PTA so I must act like a proper citizen and I didn’t want to risk being tased in public.  No part deux of “Don’t Tase me Bro!” with me, as the starring role and I didn’t want to be cited for “electioneering” within certain yards or feet from the voting poll.  The flake-repubs are very careful on how they represent themselves in public.  They’re so eerily put together like Cindy McCain or Dick Cheney he always looks so fresh after a good day of hunting or my acquaintance  (insert his or her name here) I had no idea until this election that he/she is so narrow minded (that’s me saying it mildly).

     So thank you readers.  In which some of you are subjected to look into my cluttered noggin.  Last time I canvassed politically full force, I was in high school.  I was a registered young Democrat and no I didn’t mind licking envelopes for Dukakis.  Our headquarter was located to now replaced by Sam’s Club on a (fill in the name) Blvd.  The over-zealous, narrow-minded Repub-retards conjured up a flame within me.  You should see my e-mail transcript.

     On a serious note I shall leave you with this from 1972 Lyndon B. Johnson addressing Civil Rights.

     Let me remind you that history is cruel to those who wants to leave this world a better place.  Keep inspiring.

The Jackass Republican

Profile:  privileged Caucasian male in late 20s to early 40s

Job Description:  trust fund and running a small company handed by pops

In search of:  a clone of Elizabeth Hasselbeck

Political Views:  confused on his own republican agenda

Tag Line:  like to sound impressive by saying historical quotes like “Thomas Jefferson is ready for us to fertilize the tree of liberty”

Strength:  talk on false convictions

Weakness:  ignoring the deeper realities

Hates:  Obama (thinks he’s a socialist)

Beliefs:  Global warming is not real

Heroes:  Dick Chaney and Master Chief from Halo

Favorite Place:  His SUV

Groups:  corporate appendages roadies

Hobbies:  accusing others as “sheepole”

What Sarah Palin need

What Sarah Palin need when she meet with the attendees of the world stage with UN leders:

1.)  Foreign Policies for Dummies

2.)  The “Easy Buton”

3.)  Lipstick

4.)  U2’s Greatest Hits Album

5.)  Mini Van

That was awkward

I was watching a movie on TNT (Turner Network Television) around 8pm with my seven-year-old son when a commercial came on about KY Jelly His and Hers.  My ninja reflects happen to take the night off and I couldn’t change the channel fast enough on the remote control.  Awkward scenario:  “Mommy that’s so stupid!”  as I fumble with the buttons on the remote control and when I finally find the channel it required me to have the skill of a sniper and still the signal wouldn’t reached the console.  I get up only to trip over the throw pillows which somehow manages to throw itself at me.  I suffer a technical meltdown.  I did not comment nor I had any parental insight and surely this was not addressed on Dr. Spock Baby Book and my son proceeds to say, “Why would he want his own lotion.  Girls can have lotion but not boys.”  Oh mother-jumper I thought!  Why on 8 o’clock pm on cable TV would have this commercial on after all this falls on a time slot of Prime Time Hour and we were watching a family friendly movie.  I finally managed to change the channel only to stumble the tail-end of the “Viva Viagra”  commercial.  Great now the possibilities of him humming this sort-of Elvis tune  while standing on line at school and being sent to the Principal’s office could verly likely happen. 

     I take my car keys and distract him to get ice cream which I happily de-stressed myself to a double scoop of chocolate.

Middle School

   My Tween is starting Middle School in a week and I am so worried for him; going to middle school to me is like battling middle-earth.  Scary.

   I did not epitomize ‘cool’ in junior high so visions of middle school does not dance like sugar plums in my head.  My parents plucked me out of my comfort zone when I was ten years old and brought me to “America” where I forced myself how to speak English by watching Sesame Street and Falcon Crest in which during that time, I had no idea that this combo could be damaging.  Self- help books weren’t as popular as in comparison today.  There were no books that titled “English for Dummies”.  I was always confused and my social timing was always off.  I simply stayed quiet which was viewed by other kids as I was extremely shy or I was mute.  I had an un-cool haircut.  I looked liked an Asian version of David Cassidy if he were a girl and Asian at that and in an era where popularity of Punk Rock was rising I was destined to be teased for the way I looked.

     Ninth grader girls walked around in their bedazzled denim jeans with matching denim skirts.  Their hair in a ponytail precariously on a 45-degree angle on their heads.  I thought (I did a lot of thinking then since speaking was not an option because of my thick accent)  “She looks like a beautiful human unicorn.”  The blondness fascinated me.  Why wasn’t I born blonde? as I cursed the universe.  I too wanted my hair to shimmer in gold during P.E. instead I had a haircut which shape like a number 7 from the top side of my temples and bending behind my ears. 

     A certain group of boys walked around in their leather jackets that inscribed the word “The Cure”.  I had no idea that was a band name I just thought “oh how sad, someone is truly sick.”   And oh ‘The Jocks’ need I say more.

   I did not have a category to fit into.  I had to take ESOL (English As A Second Language) with three other students.  Two of them were from Vietnam. A boy named Jerry (that was not his original name.  He wanted to have a more American name to avoid being teased) and the other, a girl named Hong.  The third student was from Cambodia.  Her family’s flight was to escape the atrocities of the Khmer Rouge Regime.  All three of them left their country, not by their own volition, but escaped from a communist regime and there we were in a room and we played “Boggle” during 5^th bell.  Again back then classes consist of bells.  Hence, the TV show “Saved by The Bell” whereas today, subjects are broken into what they call Block schedule.  Whatever!

      My Tween, however is dashingly handsome ‘though he doesn’t know it yet.  I suppose I have to thank his father for our son’s good looks.  But still I worry.  It isn’t so much about the teasing.  My middle school days consist of the basic fire drill.  Our kids now have to practice Lock Downs. As he enters a new chapter of learning is his life, he will also enter series of social worlds. I want him to have the freedom yet I am scared of the alluring effect of independence.   As a parent, we serve as a moral compass for our children.  I tell my son “It is not about being good but it is about making good choices.” 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Arbitrary Olympic Sports

Wikigeneration › Edit — WordPress.

I have been watching the Olympics almost every night with my two sons and my husband and our kids are just amazed of what Michael Phelps has accomplished. Gold medal after gold medal. My oldest son commented “Why should everyone else bother to race like they might as well hand him the gooold!” (emphasizing on ‘gold’) and my youngest chimes in and say’s, “He should do the Souldja Boy dance on the podium.” You go Michael Phelps!

On the other hand, with my consistency of watching the Beijing Olympics 2008, this has caused me to have weird dreams. I’m participating in what could be an arbitrary Olympic Sport and in my dream, I am in a relay wearing Heeleys and I get disqualified for doping my baton because as it turns out I am holding an eggplant. The eggplant was more than likely triggered from a meal three days prior.

Did you know that the mighty sport of Tug of War was once an Olympic Sport? Now a days Tug of War is frequently seen on MTV The Inferno with inebriated participants and half-naked chicks. Our society has come a long way.